Don't Call Me Midlife
Join Alix and Nicole, the coffee-addicted, wine-loving, Amazon-obsessed mom squad, as they take you on a hilarious and heartfelt journey through the ups and downs of mid-life. With six boys and a knack for keeping it real, these two friends bring you more than just mom tales – they're on a mission to help you reclaim your identity beyond motherhood.
Discover the joy of embracing mid-life with these relatable hosts who are keen to learn, grow, and laugh along with their listeners. From navigating Pinterest-worthy fashion to mastering the art of leggings, from meal planning to avoiding life's chaos, they've got you covered.
But here's the kicker – they don't have all the answers, and they're proud of it. Alix and Nicole are in the trenches right alongside you, sharing their genuine experiences and bringing you along as they learn and laugh their way through life's twists and turns.
So grab your favorite drink, whether it's a trusty Stanley, an oat milk latte from Starbucks, or a glass of Whispering Angel, and prepare to be entertained, inspired, and empowered. Don't Call Me Mid-Life is the podcast where the fun begins, and mid-life gets a whole lot cooler.
Subscribe now and join the mid-life squad on this incredible adventure. Life is an adventure worth sharing, especially in mid-life!
Don't Call Me Midlife
The Mental Workload of Being a Mom
In this episode of "Don't Call Me Midlife," Alix and Nicole talk about the invisible workload of motherhood. They share their personal experiences and strategies for sharing this mental load with their partners, all with the aim of avoiding resentment and building stronger, healthier relationships.
Navigating parenting shifts as children grow and develop is another challenge they're tackling! How do you help your kids build meaningful friendships or handle the inevitable slip-ups that come with growing up? Tune in to learn how to shift from the parenting role to more of a coaching position, encouraging open communication and trust to ease this transition. You'll walk away armed with strategies to support your children through their growth and changes.
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Welcome to the Don't Call Me Midlife podcast. I'm Nicole and I'm Alex, where you're a coffee-addicted, wine-loving, amazon-obsessed mom squad. Think of us as your new besties, but with a podcast. Just like you, we're navigating the Google-defined cast of midlife while wrangling a pack of boys. But here's the twist we're more than just moms and wives. We're on a mission to reclaim our identities beyond motherhood, and we're bringing you along for the wild ride. Now, we don't pretend to have all the answers to life's mysteries, but we're so good at learning and laughing our way through them. So, whether you're sipping from your trusty Stanley and doling in an oatmeal latte from Starbucks or raising a glass of whispering angel, get ready to hang with us Together. We'll keep it real, have some laughs and remind you that this crazy journey called life is one adventure worth sharing. Hello, hi Nicole. How are you? Hi Alex, I'm good. How are you Good?
Speaker 1:What is in your cup today? You know me, I like to double fist it. What do you have today? It's tea. It's hot tea, but you know what? I'm trying to cut sugar, so I just put a little sprig of mint in there just to give it like a little flavor. Oh, I love that idea. I'm my forever Stanley with ice cold water. I have a friend that makes fun of me for my Stanley. But you know what, if you like ice cold water, a Stanley is your best friend. But question do you put ice in it? Because I was putting ice in it last night and it tastes a little better to me. Yeah, I always put ice in there. Oh, okay, we have talked about ice. I didn't know. That's like a new trick that I have. I just thought I made up, guess not. No, what's in your cup, alex? Well, girl, I got a lot in my cup today. I have a PTO meeting this afternoon. I have bring John DeHockey, I have go get some groceries. I have to meet with my other son's teacher. I have a lot on my cup. And wait, you know what I just realized In my cup today? There is nothing for me. There's nothing that I have. It doesn't sound like it. No, no, like what is that? It sounds like a cup of overwhelm. It sounds like a cup of overwhelm. I hear you. I hear you Speaking of having not a lot for me, or you as a mom.
Speaker 1:I love this topic that we're going to talk today about. I think this episode could probably go for hours and hours, but the topic of the invisible workload that we as moms carry, the topic of the mental workload when I was on my girl's trip, you know, this was a topic that came up again and again, and it's not just in midlife. I think this topic first started. I think that I had learned about it when we were first moms. Do you agree? Yes, yes, and it's not something that you really hear about or think about before you have kids. At least I didn't. I mean, I know my sister-in-law who had kids like she was super busy. My friend who had her daughter. I mean, you can see it, but you see the busyness, but you just you don't know the invisible work or that mental load.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that invisible work, I think I saw that term like maybe five years ago and I was like, whoa, you hit the nail on the head with that, this invisible workload that when you become a mom, that it's almost like you're just expected to do. Right, we are doing laundry, we are getting groceries, we're planning dinner. It's all of those things that we do to like keep our families together that no one really sees. Right, we do, because it would be a mess if we didn't. Yeah, I can see it in my friends now but yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot of like mental organization, which may fall into the other category, but like the captain of the ship, and it's a well-oiled machine. I mean not always. Sometimes you know you got to put a little WD-40 in there, but it's like a little grease, yeah right, because we're like the CEO of the household.
Speaker 1:So, speaking of that, do you empower Jerry to help you out? Your husband, in case people don't know, or do you tell me about that? Do you have him help you with this invisible workload or what do you do there? I do, I don't always. Jerry works sometimes 100 hours a week, yeah, and on those weeks I really just I don't ask him and he'll do what he can, or he'll say what can I do? And a lot of times I'm like don't even worry about it, and then he may have like a week off and then I'll just, I'll continue to do it, and then I'll start to feel a little something inside bubbling up, maybe like yes, till you. Resentment, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, over time I've learned to just be like hey, like this morning I was like hey, can you take the kids to school today, like he was off, yeah, and, and he did, and I woke up and he had, like, cleaned up the kitchen, made me coffee, you know, put up my thyroid medicine. I was really cute. That doesn't happen every day, but I do. I have started asking him more but honestly, I wish I would have asked him when the boys were younger, when it was Like I love that tip that you just said ask, ask them.
Speaker 1:We're different human beings, right? Men don't know our different human beings. You know, sometimes it's like we just think differently. Like I put things on my staircase when they need to go upstairs, right, my thought is, if you see it on the staircase, you should bring it upstairs. No, no, people I mean basic, my boys and Alex just sort of like walk up the stairs and I'm like do you think these are just here? I mean it's sort of crazy. You know, is it here for you to take up later? Like yeah, yeah, no, and it's usually their crap. It's usually their crap. You know what, nicole, someone gave me.
Speaker 1:One of my best friends from college gave me advice when I was a new mom that says that said don't criticize how your husband changes the diaper Right, and I feel like that is a metaphor for what we're talking about, because I know for me I wish I empowered Alex, you know, earlier, when my kids were younger, but honestly I felt like I just wanted to control it and I wanted things done my way. So I remember he's so sweet, like he always wants to help and he's like I know it's not your way, but it's like don't criticize for changing the diaper Right, like we need to back off a little bit. They're going to have their way, our kids are going to be alive, everything's going to be fine. But we don't need to be sort of criticizing just because it's not the exact way that we would do it Right. And I think that's a way to let this invisible workload like not build up a little bit Right? Yes, I think that might fall into like a little postpartum, you know, like anxiety control type thing.
Speaker 1:But yeah, you know now that we're older and wiser. Yes, well, yes, we hope, and our husbands are older, our kids are older. Yes, I mean we're definitely older. You know, we can learn from our own past mistakes and, and I don't know, like I just feel way more comfortable asking for help. I didn't. I didn't feel comfortable asking anybody for help when I was an early mom, but now I'm just like, hey, can you help, can you do this, can you do that? So I think then we're happier too. I think the same way I used to think you know, it's a sign of weakness, right, like I can do all of these things, and I think that's just we've learned as we've gotten older it's not possible, it is not possible to do all of this to work, to take care of your kids, to make yourself happy, to take care of yourself and all this stuff. So I think you know, asking, asking for help is actually, I view now, as a sign of strength. Yes, 100%, yes, go me, go us, yeah, go yous. You need to ask somebody for help today because you got a lot in your cup. If you can do somebody's around to help you, I do have a line my cup.
Speaker 1:And, speaking of you know, switching to sort of that mental workload. Again, it's an invisible workload, right, we don't see this, yeah, but that mental workload, that mental stress, whatever you know you're feeling, whatever you want to call it, I think some days it's amazing that it can feel like almost an elephant is on your Mac and then other times it can feel like whatever air, you know whatever's lighter, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, but it on those days that when it feels like, you know, this elephant is on your back, it's. It's hard, right, it is very hard and challenging and stressful and it can go lots of ways. I mean thinking of you know, I have experienced this recently.
Speaker 1:My oldest son, as you know, went to boarding school and when you, I feel like you lose a little bit of the control when they're not in your house, right, and he went four years earlier than college. So I've had this sort of mental stress a lot more recently. You know, when he calls me, I'm like are you okay? And he's like, yes, why? You know you're wondering are they showering, are they eating properly, are they going to their classes? It's like I am stressing Are they making good choices for their phones? Are they making good choices? Yes, that's always the question, nicole, who knows about that? When I find all this candy in his backpack? Yeah, and so I think this, this concept of this mental load that we carry, is heavier and heavier as our kids get older.
Speaker 1:Right, we were just talking, you know, about what we would stress about when our kids were younger, and it was, you know, it was just different, right, yeah, like the calls from school, like did he hit someone, did he not eat lunch, did he poop his pants? You know, like, yeah, I mean it's, it's disruptive, but it's not, you know, it's not life altering, whereas if your son or daughter, you know, did something, bullied or sexting or whatever, that's life altering, you know. So, yeah, it's just the back of the mind. Stress that that way is heavy for sure, that we're just worrying about them. And sometimes, you know, to be honest, it's also like I have had to learn with Baker being at school that he may not be doing the things that you know, aside from keeping yourself, you know making good choices and you know, you know doing all those type of self-care things. It's. You know what is he doing in his free time.
Speaker 1:And I think, as our kids get older, we sort of put our judgment and like, well, I think you should go to that target run, you know, because they have these field trips or whatever. But you know he doesn't wanna do that and that's sort of like chill. It's like, you know, if your kids, as they get older, do they wanna have friends over or go to a different party or go to the football game. You know, a lot of times I feel like we almost do this mental workload to ourselves and this stress because we're putting on some of our stuff on our kids, right? Does that happen to you, or is it just me? No, no, it happens to me too. And you know, my best friend's daughter is away at college this year and you know I went and helped her move in and I could see it unfold, live Like she wanted her. They live out of state and you know they were meeting girls and she's like, oh, call her, I'm set up. You know, like I'm sure her daughter knows to do that.
Speaker 1:But as a mom it's just like it makes you feel like you're still doing your part, like making connections and making sure like, hey, are you gonna go to that day party or whatever you know. But yeah, I mean I do with my kids. Like last week I told my son, you know I'm trying to. They're at a new school so I'm trying to like get them to like be more active with their friends, right, and we live a little bit far away. I'm like, hey, I'm like why don't, on Saturday, you invite some friends over, tell them to bring $5. You guys can do a pumpkin carving contest and whoever you know has the best pumpkin wins. And they're like oh yeah, that'll be fun, I'm gonna invite so and so Like. So it's just like. I don't think my husband would think of something like that, but I want my friends to have these connections so they'll have friends throughout their lifetime, throughout middle school, high school. So that is yes In a nutshell. Yes, I'm just like that too, alex, I love that idea. I do need to get some pumpkins and start carving.
Speaker 1:I know, I know right, and all my kids are very different. Some in social situations are different, some want to be the life of the party. We got our middle kids. My oldest is more. He's very loyal friend and wants a few close friends. And my third one we haven't figured that out yet he's just good. He's only in fifth grade. So I think it's just on the flip side of that, when we worry and I've seen this with Baker is when they do something unexpected and you're like yes, that's my kid.
Speaker 1:I think this age is also stressful. And because we're worrying about have we done enough I remember that was a lot of my stress when Baker went to school was have I parented enough? I'm not stopping to be a parent, but have I done enough? Have I told him all the lessons? Have I done this Because at some point we got to let our kids fly right. Yeah, and Baker's old, he's 15. He's a freshman, 15. And I tell my kids I'm never going to stop being your mom, but it's a little bit less control, and I think that's part of our journey in midlife too, is it's been such a good lesson for me to let go of some things which is just not that easy to do Not that easy to do. I'm sure my other two are feeling it, but I'm sure they are.
Speaker 1:But I recently was listening to someone on Instagram and he's a life coach for teens and he said that there's a shift. That, like what did he say? The first part was when they're younger. Not that you're parenting, maybe he said parenting oh, you're always parenting, but he used a different term. But you go from that to coaching. Like, as your kids get older, you're more of a coach, like a cheerleader. You're not really telling them what to do or giving them advice. You're trying to help them seek out their own thing and it's like I mean, to me that kind of falls into the mental load because there's like a shift in psychology so you just kind of have to like always learn and evolve and that, to me, is ways heavy on my mental load and I don't know that my husband does that. Well, that goes also into the topic I agree with about the husband thing, because Alex is like sleeping and I'm sitting there like up making a list in my head of all the things I have to do. I'm very envious of his better sleep than me.
Speaker 1:But also, we're in this stage also, like you said, of becoming a coach and being neutral and allowing them to make their own choices. But also, how do you feel about them also making mistakes? I feel like there are so many moms out there that are more like the helicopter mom, even at this age, where they think their kids are perfect and they're never going to do anything wrong. But I think no. I mean we have to be also realistic about our middle schoolers, our high schoolers. I mean our kids are perfect in our eyes, of course, but it doesn't mean that they're not going to make mistakes and you almost want them to make a mistake, not a huge one, so that they can grow and they can learn from it right and that you can have that conversation of how to learn from that, because we've made mistakes in our life at that age too, and I think that's a different. Like you're saying, we become a coach. It's a different mindset for us as moms that I didn't I don't know, I guess I didn't anticipate, I didn't ever anticipate being a midlife mom.
Speaker 1:So I know it took some time, I know this has been a whole wild journey. But yeah, I want my kids to make mistakes. I mean there are some mistakes that I will stop before they happen. Yes, dangerous situations and, yeah, pictures on the internet, things like that. I had a girl ask my oldest for shirtless pictures, so we had to have a conversation on something a lot deeper. But I just want to preemptively stop any sort of issue with that.
Speaker 1:But yeah, like the, we'll start with schoolwork being like a mistake, you know, and I'll let them make a mistake and then we'll. You don't turn in your work, you don't get X, y and Z. I mean there's like natural consequences that I feel that the boys need to like learn. But then there's some things that I don't know. I mean my biggest life lessons were the mistakes I made. But I do tell them like you're gonna make mistakes but your dad and I will always be here to help you figure anything out where your safety net. But like when my kids ends up in jail overnight for doing something stupid, you know Like you're gonna spend the night in jail to lure it, like I'm not gonna come bail you out within five minutes. You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1:No, and I think that's important in this age of parenting where you also you brought up something that I think about a lot is that trust, right, we have to have that communication and I talk a lot about with my family, like the circle of trust. Right, there's certain things that we discuss in our family that doesn't go outside the family and I try to tell my kids if you're in a situation where you need someone to pick you up, you know, please call a trusted adult, even if it's not me, you know you will not get in situate, you will not get in trouble in the situation, but maybe later. But we'll discuss it later. But get yourself out of there, we'll discuss it later. Almost always the worst. My mom said that I did not, or she was like, or my dad was like I'm disappointed in you, that's the worst, oh, I know. Oh, right in the heart, right, it's like I've said that's one time and they're like looking at me like whoa, that was like hit hard, that's like a little.
Speaker 1:But I think it's allowing those mistakes but also having that communication right, that open communication and these bigger topics that maybe always aren't, especially because we have boys as comfortable. You know, a lot of times my kids will be like just please stop talking. Just please stop talking. I'm not going to stop talking. You know what we are talking about. Yes, and so funny. My kids will get like that too. But sometimes they're way more open and usually when I'm driving I don't know if Talk in the car, especially to boys, and listen to everything, yeah, and drive at night that way like you can't see anybody's facial expression and you can be like, oh my God, did he really just ask me that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it's fun to hear them too, because then again you're like, I'm proud of you, like you are like such a good human being and I love, I love, love, all the stresses worth it, because you see them. You see them embrace the world around them and become someone totally different than you or your husband and each of our boys, right, are so different, or whether you have three girls or whether you have boys and girls. Like, becoming who they are is like such a gift as a mom. Yes, it's so fun to watch. Yeah, it is. So it does make the mental load worth it. And the invisible work yeah, I mean, I feel like it's definitely worth it.
Speaker 1:The other thing about the mental workload is like and you sent me this as a meme on Instagram was going to the doctor, right. Oh, yes, you know what's normally like a one hour appointment at best, but in your mind, I mean, you're talking like the hour before, the hour of the hour after, and maybe like an hour a couple of days beforehand to get all that paperwork done, right, right, right. And then what if your kid takes medicine and you've got to send the nurse form, or you know, you got to go pick up the medicine and you got to make the chart for the medicine, or I think about this sort of mental load a lot in terms of, like, you know, signing kids up for sports. It's like, okay, it's not just signing them up for the sport. It's the uniform, it's putting the schedule and the time, it's making sure that we can actually get there. It's making sure we have dinner. Where are my other kids? Right? It's that mental load of that. One small task in our mind turns into 10 and those are legit tasks. I mean when you say, like the other 10 are like they're legit. Oh yeah, they are in depth, legit, they're all legit.
Speaker 1:Yes, I think the spring sports, I think are the worst, like the baseball when your kids play, oh yeah, well, that's just like a long game. I mean hockey it's a long game, but not only that. You have it like a couple times a week, right, yeah, I know, at least two games a week, right, and then if you have a couple kids in it, you're there every day. And then it's so long and it's hard to juggle the dinner and the baths and I mean I don't have to deal with that now, but there are some ladies in midlife that have little ones that are dealing with it, but they do need to bathe themselves. You know, I'm like, yeah, and we know those showers are long, right, nicole, much water bill has never been so high. I don't mean yeah, when you get teenagers. So I definitely agree with you and I think I've got John playing baseball and I actually said to my husband last night like so fall baseball? I was like so when is this over? My husband loves baseball, so I love that, john loves it and it's really like their thing to go. I rarely go because I'm here.
Speaker 1:But, yeah, all these activities, all these sports. My kids did hip hop dance when they were little and it was like the recital at the end of June had to invite all the family and all of that. So there is like a huge mental load that goes into all of this. And yes, but we see you, ladies, we feel you, we see you, we want you to know. You made me driving to travel baseball in another state, listening to us being like, yes, yeah, I get you. You know what? I'm a snack bitch. Yes, you're so funny because I was actually talking to one of my best friends from college and she's telling me her daughter's a really good softball player and she works full time and she's working like 70 hours in her job and every weekend you know what she does she travels, she goes to travel softball and plays like three games and we were sort of we were having this conversation like it's worth it. I know she loves it.
Speaker 1:And also, how can you use your time a little wisely at some of these sports games, right, maybe not just scrolling Instagram, but walking around I mean, you can't watch your kid the whole time but taking a walk and doing some of those things. But there is a lot that we do for our kids. But we, like Nicole said, we see you, we hear you, we are in it with you, we are in the trenches. But at the end of the day, it's like hold on to those like memories where your kid just freaking, surprises you. It makes me cry. Like they do something so amazing and you're like, oh, it's her first tear shed, ladies. Like you're like, that's my kid, I'm going to hold on to that when he does something bad. Yes, 100%, 100%, hold on to that, hold on to that, yeah. So just remember that when you are going through the trenches, ladies, that it's all worth it, and hold on to those good times, hold on to those little wins.
Speaker 1:So so, nicole, what time is it? It's my favorite time. It is unsolicited advice time. So my advice, nicole, today that was an awesome episode. I could probably talk about that forever, but we had to stop my crying. My advice is, when you've got a big mental load and I am dealing this week with Baker having ACL surgery and you've done a lot you have had this mental load, this mental stress of caring for someone, and it can be any sort of situation is you know what? Get yourself a treat. Get yourself a treat, Because you know what I did today. What did you do? I got a manicure. I copied your color and I got a little sweet treat from Starbucks. I got an apple. What you got it's called oat milk latte, apple macchiato, but I changed it to almond milk and only got one pump of the brown sugar syrup. So if you like that type of drink, definitely get it. And I had no cinnamon. There was a cinnamon sugar topping on top, but I just got cinnamon. So get yourself a little treat, like you deserve it.
Speaker 1:When you have this mental load and sometimes you just need a half an hour break to go get a Starbucks, get a manicure, whatever is your jam, and then you come back stronger and you're ready to attack the day. I love that, alex. Little self care, self care, self care. Yeah, yes, and I'm going to have to get that drink. Yes, just remember, you can't be 100%, you can't be everything to everyone, and you just need to decide what your priority is. So set that time aside for you. Like Alex said, get her favorite drink, stay sane, call a friend, whatever you need to do, and just find joy in it. Yeah, but no, you're appreciated with all that invisible work, right? Yes, yes, we appreciate you, and that's a wrap for today's episode of Don't Call Me Midlife. We hope you had as much fun as we did. Absolutely. Your support means the world to us.
Speaker 1:If you're just waiting in the carpool line, don't forget to follow the show, and if you're feeling extra spicy today, leave us a rating and review Before we part ways. We've got a special invitation for you Join our newsletter to stay in the loop with all things midlife, magic, bonus content and more. Head on over to the show notes for how to sign up. We can't wait to keep the conversation going. And, of course, remember, in the whirlwind of life and motherhood, don't forget to fill up your own cup first. Your extraordinary and your journey is worth every moment. Until next time. Cheers, cheers. That's dog crude.