Don't Call Me Midlife

Let's Talk About Raising Teens

March 28, 2024 • Alix Mackey & Nicole Stassinopoulos • Episode 25

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In this episode of "Don't Call Me Midlife," Alix and Nicole team up for a candid discussion on the challenges of parenting teens. From navigating school apps to fostering genuine conversations, they share unfiltered experiences and laughter while exploring the delicate balance between rescuing and empowering our kids. At the end we are joined with Alix's nearly 16-year-old son, Baker, offering insights from the teenage perspective. 

In this episode, they talk about the following:
1. Concerns and anxieties parents of teenagers have.
2. Challenges of parenting teenagers.
3. Understanding teenage behavior and communicating with them.


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Don't Call Me Midlife podcast. I'm Nicole and I'm Alex, where you're a coffee-addicted, wine-loving, amazon-obsessed mom squad. Think of us as your new besties, but with a podcast. Just like you, we're navigating the Google-defined cast of midlife while wrangling a pack of boys. But here's the twist we're more than just moms and wives. We're on a mission to reclaim our identities beyond motherhood, and we're bringing you along for the wild ride. Now, we don't pretend to have all the answers to life's mysteries, but we're so good at learning and laughing our way through them. So whether you're sipping from your trusty Stanley and doling in an oatmeal latte from Starbucks or raising a glass of whispering angel, get ready to hang with us Together. We'll keep it real. Have some laughs and remind you that this crazy journey called life is one adventure worth sharing. Hello, my friend, hey Alex, how are you? I'm good. I'm just getting over this cold. So you know I'm good. I'm good, it's just it's going around.

Speaker 1:

I am so excited about this topic. We are going to talk about parenting teenagers in midlife. Yes, I think we need a lot of those breaths, like a lot, a lot of breathing. I'm like subconsciously taking deep breaths because I'm like this is stressful, but I think, just like our intro says, we are navigating and figuring things out, like we do not have the answers to.

Speaker 1:

This is not a podcast about advice. This is a podcast about you. We are in this with you and this is what we're struggling with and this is what our friends are saying. This is what other people in our you know online communities saying our husbands so let's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just opening the discussion. Right, and I know I have said like I've never from doing this podcast, I personally love it because I think about so many more things a little bit deeper, and you and I are different thinkers in that way, and I think just opening these discussions of these fun topics, these harder topics, these real topics right, and I think parenting teenagers is one that we've wanted to do for a while, but we didn't know exactly how to do it. We don't, we still don't know what we're doing.

Speaker 1:

We could probably do five, five podcasts on this, but we're just going to have a discussion today about funny things, serious things, things we've learned about parenting our teenagers, and we have a special guest at the end who's going to give us our unsolicited device. I think.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

I have none to give, but I'm going to listen to his. I'm so excited it is a man.

Speaker 2:

It is a. It is a. It is a. It is not.

Speaker 1:

It's a man, it's a young man that's going to come on. So what's in your cup? Okay, so I'm. I'm just keeping it simple because I'm trying to get rid of this cold. I just, I literally have a cup of hot water and some lime in there. No, honey, lime, yeah, lemon, no I. I think the lime is just a softer citrus and so, oh, in my opinion, I like that. I'm just trying to trying to, like, do all the healthy things because I got to, I got a ship to run. What?

Speaker 2:

are you? What's you got we?

Speaker 1:

don't have time to be sick. We don't have time to be sick. I, I have. I feel like for this episode we actually should have made like a real cocktail, Because maybe we'll do part two and we will make a fun cocktail or a mocktail or whatever. But today I just have my Stanley with some water and watermelon element tea, which I currently is my favorite flavor and I'm trying to drink that every day. I love it. It makes me drink water.

Speaker 2:

Well, you go to let me like. So just one little packet.

Speaker 1:

One little packet. I do have a box sitting on my counter for you, so I will. I haven't wrapped it up yet. No no, just send one. I might not like it, I'm so. Okay, you can send me whatever it's your love language. No, I got something for you as a thank you for meeting I had. I couldn't bring a thank you gift to you when I met you.

Speaker 2:

I had to experience your life.

Speaker 1:

No, you're going to laugh. I'm not even going to, I'm not going to tell you what it is you are really going to laugh when I actually when you get this gift.

Speaker 2:

So I can't.

Speaker 1:

I have to think very long and hard about what to get you that you would even you would laugh at. So I, we went out to okay, for everyone listening we went out to dinner and I had a really bad headache and I drink. On top of that I had a margarita. So I felt really bad in the morning and I came out and she was in the kitchen like tidying up my kitchen and she's like go take a shower, I'll make your kids breakfast. And it was like it was like catering style. I was telling my best friend like it was so beautifully laid out with like place snacks and everybody had drinks and the sausages were like fanned out. I mean it was doesn't she do that too? Doesn't doesn't she do that?

Speaker 1:

She makes dinner too she does, but I mean, I've you know, like we're newly friends, it was just a beautiful, like little thing to see, because oh, I love doing it.

Speaker 2:

That was so fun.

Speaker 1:

But you're like oh, I don't know if one of my kids likes that, like I was like it doesn't matter. Actually I just went into her pantry and her freezer and found her food and just did it.

Speaker 2:

I just didn't want you to be offended because one doesn't like.

Speaker 1:

I know we're not offended with teenagers, I mean no like how do you know?

Speaker 1:

like well, I have one of my oldest doesn't like French toast, right? So my brother loves to make French toast when we visit him and doesn't understand how he doesn't like French toast. So I get the pancake thing, but one of the gifts has to do with that breakfast. I'm so excited. Okay, let's talk about teenagers. Now. There's lots of breasts here, right? And I once had a friend tell me you know, little kids, little problems, bigger kids, bigger problems. And I don't really think that hit me until this year, right. So again, my kids are fifth grade, eighth grade, ninth grade, and none of my kids have big problems. In that sense. It is just our discussions are more about life, more serious, more just sort of really shaping them a little bit, more than nap time and sort of. I think there's a lot. There's problem-solving skills, there's just a lot, I know. For me, I like to say I don't have any anxiety, but one of the things I do worry about are my children.

Speaker 1:

I do lose a lot of sleep, not because they've done anything, but just, am I making good humans? Are we? Are we doing? Am I doing everything I can? Am I spending enough time? Am I feeding them the right foods? Am I present enough? And so I think I don't know if you have that worry or if other people can relate to, sort of those worry thoughts. One thousand percent.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to speak on behalf of most of our listeners here that yes, I do believe that we all have similar worries and it's just across the board Like and it's this generation is not like our generation. I don't know about you, alex, but I think I like raised myself and a lot of my friends. We raised ourselves Like we were latchkey kids or we were like we left the house and we came back when the lights came on or we knew what time dinner was or things like that. There was just a lot of independence and not a whole lot of parental guidance, at least in my circle. I think it was a generational thing and that's one of the things I know I worry about. Like you know, my mom was like off with her friends. My dad was at work. It's not that they weren't parenting, it was a very different hands off parenting.

Speaker 1:

You know my mom often says you tell your kids too much stuff. You talked about too much stuff with your husband and you know that used to be like what are you talking about? Am I doing something wrong? But I get it was generational and that's what I often worry about. You know we talk a lot about helicopter parents and am I parenting too much? Am I not parenting enough? And I often this is a part of something I want to work on is I often really compare myself to other parents and I do that a lot and I just want to know that we're all. I believe I'm hard on myself in that way. We're all doing the best we can. Right, we are. You're an amazing mom.

Speaker 2:

Showing up? No, sorry.

Speaker 1:

But you know it's just, it's hard. It's hard not to with all the digital and social media and you know all the stuff out there it is. We just want you to know it's hard, we get it, and if it's easy for you then dig a little deeper Because it's not, To put it nicely, yeah, no, it's not. I know I'll be kind, I'll be kind, but no, I'm worried that I'm a rescue parent Like what's that?

Speaker 1:

What's a rescue parent, you know, instead of a helicopter parent that's like hovering all the time and making choices, it's just. It's kind of like oh, will somebody upset you, your teacher? I'm just gonna write a letter. You know I'm not always taking my kids side but you know I don't want my kid to feel uncomfortable, like, oh, you don't want to make that phone call, I'll make that phone call. You know, I've definitely gotten better, but just not making my kids feel a certain way which I think would have definitely helped them feel. Cause now, like I can see, like some things in my kids, you know, some things make them feel anxious and I'm like, what the hell did they feel anxious, you know? And I'm just like because they weren't exposed you know Right.

Speaker 1:

I think one of the hardest things about being a parent to teenagers is having to be neutral. Right, I am 100% not a neutral person in terms of I have big reactions you can ask my husband that, you can ask my kids and having all boys, you know they think I'm like a crazy person and I have lots of emotions and but when your kids are coming to you, whether they were in the wrong someone was in the wrong, they needed advice. Being just not having that emotional connection to it is, I think, really hard. That is hard to just remain neutral while they tell you something. You mean Like if it's yes, yes, a thousand percent. Even if I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to hug them.

Speaker 1:

It's like really just being Shake them, like what are we doing? Shake them, grab their arm, you know, send them to their room, but just trying to be that you know that, just that neutral person that is gonna be there for them, and a lot of times I sort of I don't react and then I need to think about how I sort of want to follow up. I like to follow up a lot with my kids If I also don't know what to say in that moment, you know, I let them talk and I'm like okay, you know what, let's revisit this later. Yeah, I kind of talk to dad and get some like-. Yeah, yes, I always say I got to talk to dad, yes that is definitely my go-to if I don't know what to say.

Speaker 1:

Let me like just talk to dad about it, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Why do you always?

Speaker 1:

have to talk to dad Because we're a team. You know, I don't have the answer yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

I'm a team we are definitely a team.

Speaker 1:

It is really hard not to be reactive with my teens. For sure, I mean, my oldest one definitely pushes my buttons the most. Right now he's 14 and a half, not to say that no one else does. It's just a different kind of button pushing. And then so he gets me going and he's getting himself going and I'm trying to stay self-regulated and I can just say something, even if it's in the most calm voice, and he will explode.

Speaker 1:

And he just recently started stomping off and I'm just like what is that, you know? And the old Nicole would want to like stop in after him, keep it going. You don't talk to me that way. But you know, they're not adults. They may look like adults but the brains are still developing and they're still figuring things out. And so we had an instance last night that he was like questioning if his brother put away the dishes because that was his chore. And I said no, because my middle one was feeling very overwhelmed with school and upset about something. And so I'm like you know what I'm like? You know what I'm like, don't worry, I'll take care of the dishes. And then and I've done that from my oldest too, and maybe that's what I mean by rescue parent Like let's try to teach you some better coping mechanisms.

Speaker 2:

Okay, I digress, so anyway.

Speaker 1:

I'm like don't parent your brother, don't worry about what other people are doing. You know, and he just was just like eating ice cream off a spoon. He threw the spoon in the sink and he stomped off and I'm just like that just happened. Okay, I'm like literally know what you're talking about. There's a lot of like is it fair? Is it fair? Yes, if I can't go to a friend's house, can he go a friend's house? If I have a friend sleepover, can I have a friend sleepover? Like you know, it's so much. Well, why do I have to feed the dogs? Can't they feed the dogs? You know, and it's a lot of comparison which makes it really hard. And we, you know, we also have to parent. You know, we have the same morals and values, but each parent, each kid, needs to be parent differently.

Speaker 1:

And that's what I'm finding more and more, whether it's the school they go to, how they are in academics, what things they do outside of school, how they are with their friends, what their style is, what they eat. You know, it's so many things that we're trying to, and it's not a catering to them, right, it's not. It's not, like you know, I'm not trying to do that. I'm just trying to connect with them and figure out the way where they connect best. I actually think you know, when kids and this is how I've sort of tried to flip the switch a little bit, because I have a child that will test every boundary I laid a line and he will put his toe right there.

Speaker 2:

And look at his straight in the eye right.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes, and have no qualms about it and ask why, why, why, why, why? And I actually have learned that you know, right now is when it's really challenging. But this is a safe spot and I think that's the sign of a smart kid, because they're just trying to stretch themselves, they're trying to figure out what they can and can't do, so I'd honestly rather have that than the opposite. Yeah, you recently said as frustrating as it is, yes, what.

Speaker 1:

You recently said something to me and it was just like a really big aha moment. I don't even remember what Eris was doing. Eris is not a teen, even though I feel like he is a teen, but you're like, he acts like it. He's so sweet. Yeah, you're like get curious, don't get. You know like Not that, you tell me to Don't be furious Get curious.

Speaker 2:

Yes, that was.

Speaker 1:

I'm like the word anger was coming to mind, because that's probably how I was feeling.

Speaker 1:

But yeah, don't get furious, get curious, and it's got, I feel like that led to opening up a whole new idea and mindset shipped for me, because there's reasons why kids do what they do and it's not just to be bad kids. So that was no and that was yeah. That was when I had it posted for a while at my desk, because that's what one therapist told me. You know, when kids whether they're teens, they're still little right they're having a hard time with something and if they're frustrated, they're probably frustrated and something else is going on. I mean also think about, we joke about it, but there's a lot of things about it, but there's a lot going on with their body, with their mind. Their frontal lobe is not fully grown.

Speaker 2:

Maybe it's all that cologne they're wearing.

Speaker 1:

It's just like fogging up the brain. Oh my God, I think it's fogging my brain Like, literally, john Mackey wants to buy some and I'm like, honey, you're not even in puberty. Maybe you should start with deodorant. Get a fresh-smelling deodorant that like but all the kids wear it.

Speaker 1:

I had eight kids sleepover for Walker's birthday and it was literally like I think I was going to have. You know, it was like a major headache, because these kids, they don't do one little drop. Like I tell them, don't do it, just do a little. I mean, do the girls like it? Do they like it? Like I don't understand what is going on.

Speaker 2:

Well, mine says I can't smell it on myself.

Speaker 1:

I'm like it's not for you to smell, like it's for other people, like people like what People like? Fiverr's experience on himself one day and actually Jerry had to take him to school. He's like I literally can't open my eyes because I've such a headache from driving him in a closed car for 25 minutes.

Speaker 1:

I mean it does smell better than I have to say, than like a jacar noir, right, I mean it does, it does, thankfully it does. It's not like Axe Body Spray, but I think all these things Walker was asking me to get these, like flavored toothpaste that he wanted from, like his smile. He wanted to get Dr Squatch or whatever. I think your kids had it too. Like the special deodorant, like everything smells and it's like it's just a lot of sense for these kids.

Speaker 2:

It's a lot Too much on one body.

Speaker 1:

Too much, too much like Dr Squatch.

Speaker 2:

There's too many competing deodorants.

Speaker 1:

Like it is. I have stipulations with cologne. I don't know if you do. What is it? Okay one, no, it can't smell. Yeah, it can't be like a nostalgic smell, like, maybe like the cologne my first boyfriend, more Like I can't. Yeah, you know. Okay, so that or something that their dad wears that I am attracted to, it can't be a sense that I'm attracted to.

Speaker 2:

They can't smell like really good.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it has to be like from Hollister or something. Yes, and too like I'm prone to migraines so I'm like it can't give me like a headache, so Okay, so you've got the Nicole sniff test. I wonder if anyone else has that. I just, you know, John was like you know, took some of the colognes the other day and it was like one was like a fresh scent, One was a woodsy scent and I was sort of like what do you like about it?

Speaker 1:

It was woodsy and it was. He chose the woodsy one and I was sort of interested in what they like, what smells good to them. I mean, I don't know, I don't know that. That you know the other thing.

Speaker 1:

Good to, and they're expensive. They're not cheap, my goodness. Yeah, they're so expensive. So good Christmas, good, you know, if you've got high schoolers, you know birthday, give some, give some good cologne. Let's talk about one of the one, one, one of the other things I was going to say there's not just two. That I'm curious about teenagers is the phenomenon of DoorDash of Uber Eats.

Speaker 1:

Oh my gosh, I thought it was just my kid, but I, when I, when I'm in the car line pickup, these kids are talking about DoorDash and I'm like what, what? What are they doing? Like what? They're ordering DoorDash to school and there's like a table outside the office and DoorDash just drops it and they walk over there and they get it.

Speaker 2:

But, like the schools, provide food, yes, Right now our schools provides it for free, like I'll give them extra, to buy like an extra pizza slice or something.

Speaker 1:

I'm just like you don't need to buy Wendy's for $30. Like we don't, Jerry, and I don't even like do that. Like who are you? Just it is. I want to know how this started, right, Because I also tell my kids I'm like I have food at home, right, I have food, healthy food. That is sort of like in my mind, a little treat, right, but it's become a regular thing and I just don't understand it.

Speaker 1:

There was a couple of weeks ago when I was coming home. Walker was home and all of a sudden, this DoorDash guy comes and is delivering a big gulp. Yeah, A big gulp, Nicole, yeah. And I was like oh no, no, no, that's not for us, Thanks. And they're like no, Walker, you just ordered a $10 big gulp. So I had to lay down the law a little bit. After that, I was like that is ridiculous, I am definitely not paying for that. I took my credit card off. All the kids, DoorDash and Uber Eats, and if they want to buy something, it is their money, their gift cards, Like that is it is. I provide lots of food for you to eat and if you want something else, it's on you.

Speaker 2:

I'm in.

Speaker 1:

Tasa had some money on his debit card and he a couple nights it was like on a Saturday night at like 11 o'clock at night and I get alerts when he orders things because he's got the green light. It's the green light.

Speaker 2:

I was like wait, does DoorDash do that?

Speaker 1:

Because I need that To your own. I wouldn't get it if he ordered it. But I'm like what Did you order, dairy Queen? He's like I did. I had a craving. I'm like, oh, this has got to stop and it's probably because all the Starbucks Maybe that's what it is. I want to know how this started, because I made a rule for sleepovers and no ordering food after 11 o'clock, because I'm also asleep. I don't want some random stranger and my kids are like well, we just have them drop it off at the front door. But I'm also like you don't need to be eating it midnight one. In the morning I have plenty of snacks, so now I get extra snacks, but it is a phenomenon.

Speaker 1:

I think it's just, and maybe they just feel independent ordering it. They're all, but still it's, you know. I have to admit, though, nicole, there was one night when Alex was traveling and I was craving non-dairy ice cream and I ordered it from Baskin Robbins and I had it whatever, and it was John, and I ordered Sundays, and it was pretty amazing.

Speaker 2:

No, I've only done that once.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean, that is pretty amazing and you're a 46-year-old woman that can do that.

Speaker 2:

But like don't order big gulps.

Speaker 1:

And like Chipotle and all these things every other day You're just like $200 later in five days You're just like OK, that's enough. Yeah, it's a lot, it's a lot. How do you feel about the kids not talking? And what I mean by that is?

Speaker 1:

I've sort of learned in the car in the morning. I don't know about your boys, but well, john Mackey is a talker. He's like a chatty Cathy in the morning, and so is my husband, but it's like 6.30 in the morning, so that may change. But my other two I've learned to sort of respect their boundaries and I've actually had talks with them about it and they're like mom, you're just talking too much. So then I get worried about am I not talking? Am I not connecting with my kid? But I think I've found with my boys like they just need that space in the morning. I barely talk when Baker's home or before Walker goes to school. I have a routine of giving him breakfast, but I don't ask deep questions in the morning.

Speaker 2:

I barely ask anything Deep questions.

Speaker 1:

I say good morning, that is basically all I and I just let them talk. And I feel like the same thing happens for my kids in the afternoon. They go straight to their room and they need like 10 minutes To decompress, and then they come down and they're like hey, what's?

Speaker 2:

for snack. What are you? I'm like oh.

Speaker 1:

OK, it's taken an adjustment. Do your boys do that?

Speaker 2:

Well, I am Walker Like don't talk to me in the morning, I'm just quiet.

Speaker 1:

Well, I'm not quiet because I'm like a drill surgeon in the morning. But typically I'm not a big talker in the morning until I've had coffee. So I don't really come at my kids. But even if I'm like hey, do you have your backpack, do you have this, do you have that? They're just like mom. So I just think they're all like kind of standoffish in the morning.

Speaker 1:

But I do have a rule about not using your phone until we're at least in the car in the morning. So, like because sometimes they'll just stand there and they'll be looking at there. I'm like we have to leave, like get your stuff. Where do you keep your kids' phones? Do you keep them in their rooms or do you keep them in your kitchen? I didn't notice when I was at your house. Oh no, they can have them in their rooms. I just have it like set They'll be proud of me because this is a little techie. I have it set to where it goes off and they can't use it at the certain time at night and then they can actually use it. I think I have it set at like 7 AM and that's usually when we're walking out the door.

Speaker 1:

Well, you know what another rule I learned from you, not a rule. Something that you do that I think was so smart I was just telling Alex about the other night is that you have two Wi-Fi networks, right, one Jerry told me this when I was there, one is for the kids and one is for you guys, and I said, alex, we have to do it like Nicole and Jerry. That is so smart. Well, you can turn theirs off and still continue to use yours, and it doesn't slow yours down. How do you do that? On the family share, on Apple, or what do you do? Oh, this is beyond my comprehension. I'll have to get the information next to you.

Speaker 2:

We don't have any advice on that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, sorry, I know he set up two Wi-Fis within the home somehow on your network Right, and then when they go to get on the Wi-Fi.

Speaker 2:

So but how do you turn?

Speaker 1:

off their Wi-Fi. How do you do the restrictions? Oh, the restrictions are through Apple, family Apple.

Speaker 2:

Oh, ok, so the family share, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, the family share, yes.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, the family share. I do know how to do that. My little guy doesn't have a phone yet and he's asking. And the other day we went to Verizon and we looked at flip phones and he literally didn't even know how to write the text. I was like hi, mom, I wrote it in two seconds.

Speaker 2:

Oh, you have to push four like three times to get eight, or whatever it is.

Speaker 1:

But we've done that and so he was just like I just think I'm good, I'm like that's fine. At the middle school they do have a phone that you can use, so that is totally fine. You know, one thing about the talking that I've learned is at this age with our kiddos is when they do want to talk. They want to talk, oh yeah and yeah, you can't bring things up, no.

Speaker 2:

At least not with my kids. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

What do you mean? No, like, if I know that, like let's just say they had an issue with a friend or something and they talked to me about it, I can't, like bring it up. It has to be on their terms. If it's something serious, like within the home or they did something, of course it's going to be on my terms. But if it's something that they came to me with that I can't, I just have to wait for them to bring it up.

Speaker 2:

Right, Are you boys like that? Yeah?

Speaker 1:

yeah, yeah, no, but I'm saying like also, when they, when they actually do want to talk, like I literally drop everything and I'm like listening right In my neutral way, but I think because when they, when they want to talk, they want to talk and I know with I know girls, you know, I think girls talk probably more frequently.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yeah, when I have girls in my car like this is so fun.

Speaker 1:

I'm like let's chit chat.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but you know, it's just also natural.

Speaker 1:

Well, I don't know, I'm not raising girls, but it just seems like there's a way to weave it in, but boys, they'll immediately shut down. I don't know, I'm not raising teen girls. The team girl moms are probably like what? She doesn't know what she's talking about. They maybe we're just using our experience, but I think there is probably for every kid, whether it's a boy or a girl, how to talk to your kid and sort of how to navigate that and how to figure that out. But I agree with you, it's like we can't bring things up or they're going to immediately shut down. We need to wait, like almost in a vacation. That's yes, yes, and it stinks, especially when you can see it, you know, I think.

Speaker 1:

I think in those situations I just spend a little bit more time with them and it usually some somehow comes up. You know that. Actually that happened with me in Stavey last night and he was just like he just it's all over his face, he has no poker face, and so I was just casually bringing up school and I think he's just really overwhelmed with school and he just needs to break. Yeah, so, but and I think he's a little bit bored, so yeah, well, you know, tackle it. It's allowing that space where there are times when I'm, you know, are my kids, you know, or something going on, and usually when it's a big thing, like you're saying with Stavey, I think as parents, they know that we're there for them. I've had a couple situations, you know, because Baker's in boarding school where he has called me and had to talk to me and just you know, it's almost like they just need to vent to and just we need to. You know, know that we're there for them unconditionally, no matter what, because thinking of all the thinking of all the technology and, like we said, all the stuff that's going on with them, we didn't have, like they have a whole extra layer of stuff that we didn't have to deal with.

Speaker 1:

You know, my mom will often say to me I am so glad I'm not a parent right now. It's just, it's going beyond. You know, normal teenage things that they are being exposed to angst and the anxiety and then COVID on top of that. So you know, being a supportive parent looks different for every kid and that's what I think we're all trying to navigate and that's why I love this discussion of what do you do for that? What do you do. You know everyone's doing different things. Yeah, I want.

Speaker 1:

I want some answers for screen time because after COVID, like I just feel like everything, everything changed with my kids and it's almost like that's their first go to. I mean it used to be like parks and friends and things like that and now it's just like and that's what they're using to like decompress and it's it's just so concerning. And even one of my sons was like I think I'm on it too much and I think you know I'm so glad that he's recognizing that in himself because we have brought it up and we continually bring it up to all, all three of them, but one in particular, I think, is more than the other and he just recently was like I you know he didn't really come on say I need help, but like he, but that's a real thing he did.

Speaker 2:

That's a real thing.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, oh yeah, because they don't know any different, right, because all this technology they were on their phone, it's it's sort of their norm and I think that kids, just in general, are lacking conversational skills Because often you know I will say if you're going to text it, or they don't even text, they snapchat. If you snapchat with someone, you should be able to say it to their face.

Speaker 1:

Oh you mean like if it's mean yeah, no, no, no, I mean well, yes, I mean, they're not tech, they're not digs I mean maybe even like, but anything Complementing it, like, if you're a boy complementing a girl, like in an appropriate manner, like you would have to be Right, right In an appropriate manner.

Speaker 1:

But I think, just this lack of conversational skills, because their go-to is always their phone. I was just thinking I was recently in the car with a bunch of boys and everyone Nicole was on their phone and I was like no, I was even playing, like my mom, music that normally they'd be like what is that music? And no one said a word. And I think what I am going to institute and I've been thinking about this is sort of take their phones in the car and so that they can have a conversation, so that they can look out the window, even for that little finite time. I think, god, daydreaming, trying to go in this time, to what? No, I was going to say daydreaming is such a part of yeah, I don't know Growing and developing, being bored, what about being bored.

Speaker 1:

I tell my kids that all the time I'm like be bored, be bored, do something. And I think one of the things there's so many things talk about technology. I think we should get technology expert on here. One of the things that I do like about technology and their phones with my boys is they will text me more often and it is almost easier to connect with the teenagers a little bit or send funny emojis or all that, or send reels. My oldest will send me recipe reels to make Mom too.

Speaker 2:

That was so cute.

Speaker 1:

It's really cute. So I do think there is an advantage, just again finding the limits of what works for your child, for your family, or you know.

Speaker 2:

Oh my gosh, we need a part two to this.

Speaker 1:

We need a part two and a three and a four.

Speaker 1:

OK, let's get our special guest and let's do our unsolicited advice, ok, ok. So, nicole, what time is it? It's my favorite time. It is unsolicited advice time. All right, it's unsolicited advice time and today we have a really special guest. I've got I'm like going to cry. I've got my almost 16-year-old son, baker. He goes to boarding school and he's home for spring break, and so we thought it would be fun for this topic, for him to give the unsolicited advice not Nicole and I, because we've given lots of advice this episode. So we're going to ask him his opinion, say hi, what's up. So, baker, we're going to ask you two questions. One, what do you think moms, my friends, you know, midlife moms, our age, do well. And then, what's the one piece of advice? What do you think we could do a little bit better? I think one thing that you guys could probably do better is, I guess?

Speaker 2:

well, with no, just with my mom. I'm sure there's other people that feel this, but like when I come back from school and she's like all chattery and stuff and I'm just like trying to like sit there and listen to my music and just like be sort of isolated or something like that Chill.

Speaker 1:

You're trying to chill and relax, yes, yeah, decompress, yeah.

Speaker 2:

And one thing that I know my mom does really well is plan things, because I know whenever I'm like trying to think about, because I know whenever I'm like trying to do stuff with my friends it will. It would never like actually happen if my mom didn't help me with it.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, what do you like that we plan? What advice, Cause there's lots of moms out there. What for teenagers? What are some of the fun things that you guys actually like to do? And when you mean plans, do you want to do it with the moms and dads or do you want to just you like when they plan it for just you and your friends?

Speaker 2:

Well, me personally, I like it when you plan it for just me and my friends. I know you like to come to a lot of stuff that I go to.

Speaker 1:

Is it okay that your parents, that your parents are still there, or is it? Are you getting to the point where it's like a little awkward.

Speaker 2:

I mean I feel like once I can, once I can drive, I feel like it'll be a little easier. But for right now I feel like it's fine, because she has to, like, take me everywhere and stuff, so yeah.

Speaker 1:

Like when we go to a concert and I sit in the back.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that was fun. I'm going to read a book in the back.

Speaker 1:

So do you like it when moms? Last question I know I promise this will be short Do you like it when moms are interested in the things that you're interested in, or do you? Would you want to do things that they're interested in? Do you prefer for the, for the parents to do things that you like to do?

Speaker 2:

Well, I mean, it depends. If they're like trying to like help you with everything that you're doing, it can be a little bit annoying, but I feel like it's good to have the same interest as your kids. So it's like if they're like talking about something with you, you are just like completely like oblivious and have no idea what they're talking about. So to some like degree it's it's okay to like what your kid likes.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So my boys like video games and sometimes just spend time with him. I'm never going to learn how to play Fortnite.

Speaker 2:

It's too hard.

Speaker 1:

It is, but I'll go in and sit on his bed. I won't necessarily talk to him because he's playing with friends, but just being around like is that annoying, or you can be honest, you can be honest.

Speaker 2:

I mean, I feel like after cause I don't know some like when my mom will come in during, like something that I'm doing. It feels like sort of I don't know how to explain it, but it's just like uncomfortable, weird yeah. Especially when you're playing with your friends and your mom's, just like sitting there Cause it feels like I don't know, sort of like feel to yourself.

Speaker 1:

Oh well, that's a good thing. That's what I think. Yeah, yeah, okay. So maybe that's not the time to be with your kid while they're playing a video game, or with their friends and give them their space with their friends, right, yeah, yeah, okay. That was my, that was my burning question, okay.

Speaker 2:

Is it different when you're not playing?

Speaker 1:

with friends.

Speaker 2:

If you just play by yourself, I mean, I guess I don't really know, like if you're playing by yourself, it doesn't really matter as much. I feel like if you just come in, but If you can like see that like something is like intense or something, I don't even know.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, don't interrupt.

Speaker 2:

I guess really it wasn't that yeah maybe like see and like observe and be like, oh, they're in this like situation right now. Maybe I'll come in like afterwards, like after that happens, but yeah, just like reading the room I guess what you said.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I guess I have one more question. If you're upset See, we're filling in our two minutes if you're upset about something and you're not ready to talk about it with your mom or your dad, does it bother you if your parents bring it up, or do you think that's like, or does it make it easier because you don't have to bring it up?

Speaker 2:

Oh Well, I guess, when I do something that I like regret or something, I feel like it's easier for someone else to say it, then just me. And I guess, like most of the time, though, when I like do something, I sort of want, like my space, like that, just to like control myself. So it's not like I don't know how to control.

Speaker 1:

So have your space. But what if there was something that we know that happened at school with a friend and you could be upset about it? Is there a situation where you know it's good for us to bring it up or to give you your space?

Speaker 2:

I mean, it depends on the person, but For me I feel like sometimes I'll want to talk to you about it and then other times I might just be like I don't really like want to talk to you. Like it depends on the situation. If it's like a big deal, I feel like I might want to talk to you about it. But if it's like not that big of a deal, like every like sometimes, like I'll like come home and you'll be like something happened from school, like like last year, why are you not talking to me? Like Like are you okay? I'm like yeah, I did that too, baker. I heard this. Because we love you, this is a good idea.

Speaker 1:

Baker, I think we're curious. There's certain situations. Maybe the advice of do you want me to listen or do you want me to give advice Right is. That is that sort of an okay thing to say. Sometimes I do that with your father.

Speaker 2:

You know, do you want to?

Speaker 1:

just sometimes you just want to like talk about it with your parents and you're like okay with it, or sometimes you actually like do need advice.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I mean, I feel like, since you guys like know a lot of stuff because you guys are like older, older yeah. In there some stuff that I like could get advice on, maybe like if I don't know anything about it. But yeah, I don't know, like I Feel like most of the time I do need advice because yeah. I don't really some of the stuff that like happens, I don't really know like how to handle it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah that's good. Well, good, that means, your parents are doing a good job.

Speaker 2:

I don't need to feel safe as much at night. Worry, yeah, all right, I love you Thanks for being on.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, baker, and ask us any questions. Maybe Baker can answer some questions to this podcast. We'll send it to him. But Just spend time with your kids. They just want to be with you. And that's a wrap for today's episode of don't call me midlife. We hope you had as much fun as we did. Absolutely. Your support means the world to us. If you're just waiting in the carpool line, don't forget to follow the show, and if you're feeling extra spicy today, leave us a rating and review before we part ways. We've got a special invitation for you. Join our newsletter to stay in the loop with all things midlife, magic, bonus content and more. Head on over to the show notes for how to sign up. We can't wait to keep the conversation going. And, of course, remember, in the whirlwind of life and motherhood, don't forget to fill up your own cup first. Your extraordinary and your journey is worth every moment. Until next time. Cheers you.